Sunday, 12 February 2017

Thoughts while watching Movies - Bite

Will contain spoilers. You know, the things that happen in movies and shows.

Movie: Bite (2015)

Cheesy horror movie.


- Lets random guy drink from her drink and move the straw with his hand. Bitch he could have just slipped something in your drink. People are still assholes, Watch yourself.
- "It's just a bug bite" Bitch you need a doctor
- Wakes up in the bath under water. Bitch you a fish.
- You marrying a dud. This is why marriage is bad.
- I told you bitch. You got spiked, robbed and possibly raped. People are assholes. Watch your damn drinks. Sad that this is a thing we need to do, but we need to do it.
- The dog doesn't want to go near you? Shit's fucked. You need help. Doggo's are pure, can sense evil.
- I've lost count of how many of these movies could be solved by a doctor visit. "Somethings wrong!" "Yeap, you're fucked, this ain't normal"
- Spoiler! You're not actually pregnant. Well not with a human. It's some sort of demonic mutant fish demon thing.
- Calls doctor. Doctor is closed. Curls up on bed in a fetal position. No! Dammit, go to a hospital. Find another doctor. You live in America, there are more than one.
- Told you. Fish spawn in your vagina.
- You don't seem to have a job, but live alone in a nice apartment but can't see a doctor after an overseas trip? Privilege. Check it.
- I want a claw foot bath tub.
- You just had a dress on, how did you not notice the spine sticking out of your tailbone.
- You walk into her apartment, covered in fish eggs, and then bitch about the fact she fucked your son? Priorities. You need to set them.
- How exactly does someone spit acid, vomit style, without their own esophagus melting?
- And now you can scream until you break mirrors? And nobody in your apartment block noticed? Science fail.
- "We haven't heard from our friend in a week, maybe we should check on her?" "Nah she'll be right" "I went to her apartment, she didn't answer and there was a bad smell. I'm worried" "You didn't think to call someone?
- Now I know why you're a major bitch. You jealous man-stealing douchebag.
- Ugh. The fingernail thing. Why is there always a fingernail thing. Especially weird this time because I just stabbed myself under the nail with my needle.
- And you're eating it. Yay.
- I have real doubts that the whole credit card on locked doors things works. Note to self, youtube later. I bet it doesn't.
- I hope for your sake you have a weapon of some sort. The only time it's acceptable to have a gun is when your friend has turned into some mutant fish monster.
- How many fish eggs can one lay into a dead persons chest cavity? And how many organs did you leave in there?
- Your phone fell into a bath tub full of water, dead person and demon fish eggs. It ain't gonna work. Don't retrieve it.
- The goo that came from your hand pomegranate looking thing only went over her mouth. Her nose is clear.
- Now the fiance is pissing blood. Just walks away. Bet you won't go to a doctor either. Noob.
- Nope, instead you're gonna go fuck your ex fiance's jealous friend. The one who stole her engagement ring because she's so in love with you.
- That's creepy. By the way.
- Just more reasons why polyamory is awesome.
- Or just fuck buddies. Play partners.
- I bet you drugged her. You back stabbing bitch.
- And now you're trying to get him into your pants with false empathy.
- That's right you insane jealous person, profess your love. Take his bloody cock. Remember the blood piss thing? Yeah, bet you gonna get that to.
- Ok, if she got super hearing ability and can hear them fucking i the carpark downstairs how could she even stand to be in an apartment block with tons of peoples and at least one dog?
- And now you can scream and make them puke? Just two people. In the carpark.
- Oh shit, you did it now. Fish mutant lady is mad.
- So mad she just licked that photo of you.
- You are a horrible friend. You don't think to check on her until after you try to pity fuck her fiance.
- I'm waiting for the panic and fall over on a corpse part. Happens every horror.
- Ok, you are torturing her with your acid spit. Cool. She's screaming and none of your neighbours have noticed?
- You sure have an upper class fucking swanky apartment if it's noise cancelling.
- She has a full blown tail now? The hell kind of mutant is she?
- Tail up the ass, do it.
- Aww, the side. You pussed out man.
- I bet that's the most noise you've ever heard a woman make when you've impaled her.
- She ain't dead. Bet she comes back.
- So does he shoot the fish out of his penis?

The movies catch phrase "It's a just a little bite" reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Specifically the episode with the masks. More specifically Giles in the car mocking Joyce "Have you seen my mask? It raises the dead."